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AVOIDING 7 COMMON MISTAKES THAT DAMAGE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS
We all try
our best as parents,
but things aren’t always smooth sailing. The fragile parent-child
relationships can be easily damaged through parent-child tension and bad
communication.
Here are seven ways that
parents hurt the relationship with their child – so avoid doing these at all
costs.
1. Tell your child that he
isn’t living up to his potential.
Parents sometimes say to their
underperforming child:
·
“You’re not maximizing your potential.”
·
“You’re intelligent, but you’re not making the most of it.”
·
“You’re wasting your potential.”
·
“If you worked harder, you would fulfill your potential.”
Do children feel motivated when
they hear things like these? Unfortunately, they don’t.
Children share with me that
when they’re told they’re not living up to their potential, they’re
uninspired to improve.
Why?
Because they feel as if
their parents care more about their performance than who they are as a
person. They feel as if their parents would consider them more “complete,”
if only they achieved more.
This causes resentment, which
hinders them from even wanting to change their behavior.
Instead of focusing on your
child’s untapped potential, acknowledge his good behavior. For example, if
you observe that he’s been more diligent in his school work (even if it’s
just a tiny improvement), acknowledge this change. You could say, “I notice
you’ve been more focused recently.”
Or if he’s kind toward his
younger sibling, compliment him by saying, “That’s thoughtful of you.”
The more attention you pay to
your child’s good behavior, the more that behavior will multiply. Gradually,
your parent-child relationship will improve too.
2. Make your child feel as if
your love is conditional.
Many parents do this
unintentionally by overemphasising the importance
of grades.
In fact, children often say
to me, “I feel as if my parents love me more when I do well in school.”
Parents of these children would
claim that their love is not dependent on their children’s grades.
But this isn’t the message the children hear.
One father I know believes that
parents’ love for their children should be conditional. He believes
that parents should only extend love if their children are hardworking and
obedient.
Given his harsh attitude, I’m
not surprised that his children are not hardworking or obedient.
If you want your children to
find long-term
success and
fulfillment, remind them that your love for them is unconditional.
3. Bring up incidents from the
past.
In the heat of the moment, it’s
easy to bring up unpleasant incidents from the past: that time your child
lied, behaved disrespectfully, betrayed your trust, or got in trouble at
school.
When parents do this, it causes
bitterness and resentment.
It may sound clichéd, but let
bygones be bygones. This is especially important when it comes to the
parent-child relationship.
If you do bring up an incident
from the past during an argument, apologize to your child.
My experience tells me that
these are the most powerful words you can say to a child: “I’m sorry, I was
wrong. Will you forgive me?”
4. Continually criticize or
nag your child.
We want our children to grow up
to be polite, honest, kind, resilient, and successful. So it’s natural to
criticize them whenever their current behavior isn’t aligned with who we
want them to become.
As such, parents nag their
children about their …
·
Work ethic
·
Attitude
·
Manners
·
Choice of friends
·
Hairstyle
·
Choice of clothes
·
Personal hygiene
·
Dietary habits
·
Taste in music
·
Choice of what
they do in their free time
The list goes on.
But constant criticism rarely
accomplishes anything besides damaging the parent-child relationship. I’ve
even heard parents criticize their children by calling them “lazy” or
“unmotivated.”
When children are given such
negative labels, they’ll continue to live up to their reputation as “lazy”
or “unmotivated.” After all, there’s no reason for them to change, because
their parents have already formed this strong opinion of them.
What’s the alternative?
Acknowledge your child’s good
behavior (see Point #1) and give her positive labels. This way, she’ll have
a good name to live up to.
Over time, your relationship
with her will improve, as will her behavior.
5. Talk down to your child.
From the time your child was
born, you’ve been his primary caregiver. You’ve changed his diapers, made
his milk, bathed him, given him food, taken him to school, wiped away his
tears … and much more.
As your child gets older, it’s
easy to feel as if you know better than him in every area. Although you may
sometimes be right, talking down to him isn’t effective.
Avoid saying the following,
which your child will perceive as condescending:
·
“I know what’s best for you.”
·
“You’ll understand when you’re older …”
·
“You’re just a child …”
·
“You don’t know anything …”
·
“Because I said so!”
Use the top-down approach
sparingly. Instead, ask
for your child’s opinion and
seek to understand his perspective.
With this kind of mutual
respect, your parent-child relationship is sure to improve.
6. Be unavailable to your
child.
We live in a competitive,
fast-paced world. So parents must make an intentional choice to be available
to their children.
If you’re constantly busy with
work and other commitments, your children may feel neglected. This makes it
difficult to build a strong parent-child relationship.
What are some ways to become
more available
to your child?
Here are some suggestions:
·
Schedule regular one-to-one dates with your child
·
Have meals together as a family
·
Take an interest in your child’s games or hobbies
·
Bring your child with you when you run errands
·
Fix a broken fan or unclog a pipe with your child
·
Do household chores as a family
·
Take a walk together after dinner
The more available you are
to your child, the less likely it is that she’ll withdraw or rebel.
7. Make assumptions and jump
to conclusions.
Doing this is the quickest way
to destroy your parent-child relationship.
Here are two examples of
parents making assumptions and jumping to conclusions:
Example 1
Jane fails her science exam
for the second time in a row.
When Jane breaks the news
to her parents, they exclaim: “Why didn’t you study for the exam? I don’t
know how you became so lazy.”
Example 2
One Saturday night,
Benjamin comes home two hours after his curfew. This is the third time he’s
broken his curfew.
Once he opens the front
door, his parents fly into a rage: “You forgot about the time, didn’t you?
What trouble were you up to with your friends?”
These examples might seem like
exaggerations, but based on what tweens and teens share with me, they
aren’t. In fact, some parents make even more far-fetched assumptions.
What might have actually
happened in the examples above?
In Example 1, Jane may have
studied extremely hard, but she may have blanked out during the exam. In
addition, she may lack the organizational skills necessary for academic
success. (This is the case for many of the students I work with.)
In Example 2, Benjamin may have
needed to rush his friend to the hospital because of a medical emergency. He
may have forgotten to bring his phone with him, so he couldn’t contact his
parents to inform them. (This is a real story I heard.)
So
don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions. Give your child the benefit
of the doubt, at least until you’ve heard her side of the story.
This will help to develop a
trusting parent-child relationship, where the lines of communication remain
open.
If you realize you’ve been
making some of the mistakes listed in this article, don’t be too hard on
yourself.
It takes two hands to clap, and
your child also has a part to play in making the parent-child relationship
work.
But as parents, we’re the
leaders of our home.
So we must be proactive,
humble, and courageous in cultivating a loving home environment.
As Dr.
Gary Smalley once
said, “Life is relationships; the rest is just details.”
Let’s get to work building
strong family relationships. It’s the most important work we’ll ever do.
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 Scriptures
Deuteronomy 30:15-16
15 See,
I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction.
16 For I command you today to love the
Lord
your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and
laws; then you will live and increase, and the
Lord
your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.
Joshua 1:8
8 Keep
this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so
that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be
prosperous and successful.
Hebrews 11:36-40
36 Some
faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They
were put to death by stoning;[e]
they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in
sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the
world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living
in caves and in holes in the ground.
39 These
were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been
promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so
that only together with us would they be made perfect.
Job 1:8-21
8 Then
the Lord said to Satan, “Have
you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is
blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”
9 “Does
Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. 10 “Have you not put a
hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed
the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout
the land. 11 But now stretch out your hand and strike everything
he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”
12 The
Lord said to Satan, “Very well,
then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay
a finger.”
Then Satan went out from the presence of the
Lord.
13 One
day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the
oldest brother’s house, 14 a messenger came to Job and said, “The
oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, 15 and the
Sabeans attacked and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword,
and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
16 While
he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The fire of God
fell from the heavens and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the
only one who has escaped to tell you!”
17 While
he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The Chaldeans
formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and made off with
them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has
escaped to tell you!”
18 While
he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and
daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house,
19 when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and
struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are
dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
20 At
this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the
ground in worship 21 and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.[c]
The Lord gave and the
Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be
praised.”
Genesis 37:23-28
23 So
when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe—the ornate
robe he was wearing— 24 and they took him and threw him into the
cistern. The cistern was empty; there was no water in it.
25 As
they sat down to eat their meal, they looked up and saw a caravan of
Ishmaelites coming from Gilead. Their camels were loaded with spices, balm
and myrrh, and they were on their way to take them down to Egypt.
26 Judah
said to his brothers, “What will we gain if we kill our brother and cover up
his blood? 27 Come, let’s sell him to the Ishmaelites and not lay
our hands on him; after all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood.”
His brothers agreed.
28 So
when the Midianite merchants came by, his brothers pulled Joseph up out of
the cistern and sold him for twenty shekels[b]
of silver to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt.
Genesis 39:7-20
7 We
were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose
and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to
it.”
8 His
brothers said to him, “Do you intend to reign over us? Will you actually
rule us?” And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he
had said.
9 Then
he had another dream, and he told it to his brothers. “Listen,” he said, “I
had another dream, and this time the sun and moon and eleven stars were
bowing down to me.”
10 When
he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said,
“What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers
actually come and bow down to the ground before you?” 11 His
brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind.
Joseph Sold by His Brothers
12 Now
his brothers had gone to graze their father’s flocks near Shechem, 13 and
Israel said to Joseph, “As you know, your brothers are grazing the flocks
near Shechem. Come, I am going to send you to them.”
“Very well,” he replied.
14 So
he said to him, “Go and see if all is well with your brothers and with the
flocks, and bring word back to me.” Then he sent him off from the Valley of
Hebron.
When Joseph arrived at Shechem, 15 a man found him wandering
around in the fields and asked him, “What are you looking for?”
16 He
replied, “I’m looking for my brothers. Can you tell me where they are
grazing their flocks?”
17 “They
have moved on from here,” the man answered. “I heard them say, ‘Let’s go to
Dothan.’”
So Joseph went after his brothers and found them near Dothan. 18 But
they saw him in the distance, and before he reached them, they plotted to
kill him.
19 “Here
comes that dreamer!” they said to each other. 20 “Come now, let’s
kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious
animal devoured him. Then we’ll see what comes of his dreams.”
2nd Corinthians
11:23-27
23 Are
they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more.
I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more
severely, and been exposed to death again and again.
24 Five times I received from the Jews the
forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times
I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was
shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea,
26 I have been constantly on the move. I have
been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow
Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the
country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers.
27 I have labored and toiled and have often
gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone
without food; I have been cold and naked.
Psalm 73 1-20
A psalm of Asaph.
1 Surely
God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
2 But
as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They
have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.[a]
5 They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity[b];
their evil imaginations have no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
with arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.[c]
11 They say, “How would God know?
Does the Most High know anything?”
12 This
is what the wicked are like—
always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.
13 Surely
in vain I have kept my heart pure
and have washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been afflicted,
and every morning brings new punishments.
15 If
I had spoken out like that,
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely
you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 They are like a dream when one awakes;
when you arise, Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.
1 Timothy 6:6-8
But
godliness with contentment is great gain.
7 For we brought nothing into the world, and
we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if
we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.
Matthew 22:17-21
17 Tell
us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay the imperial tax[a]
to Caesar or not?”
18 But
Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, “You hypocrites, why are you trying
to trap me? 19 Show me the coin used for paying the tax.” They
brought him a denarius, 20 and he asked them, “Whose image is
this? And whose inscription?”
21 “Caesar’s,”
they replied.
Romans 13:1-7
Let
everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority
except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been
established by God.
2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling
against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on
themselves. 3 For rulers hold no terror
for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free
from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be
commended. 4 For the one in authority
is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers
do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of
wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer.
5 Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only
because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience.
6 This
is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give
their full time to governing.
7 Give to everyone what you owe them: If you
owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if
honor, then honor.
James 2:1-9
Favoritism Forbidden
2 My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must
not show favoritism. 2 Suppose a man comes into your meeting
wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes
also comes in. 3 If you show special attention to the man wearing
fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man,
“You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” 4 have you
not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
5 Listen,
my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the
eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised
those who love him? 6 But you have dishonored the poor. Is it not
the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you
into court? 7 Are they not the ones who are blaspheming the noble
name of him to whom you belong?
8 If
you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as
yourself,”[a]
you are doing right. 9 But if you show favoritism, you sin and
are convicted by the law as lawbreakers.
Romans 12:16
16 Live
in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate
with people of low position.[c]
Do not be conceited.
Phillippians 2:3
3 Do
nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value
others above yourselves,
Acts 32:37
Deuteronomy 6:6-7
6 These
commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.
7 Impress them on your children. Talk about
them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie
down and when you get up.
Proverbs 22:6
6 Start
children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will
not turn from it.
Ephesians 6:4
4 Fathers,[b]
do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and
instruction of the Lord.
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